I need a love to keep me happy

So I have been back for just over three months. Back to my life.  It is an odd phrase given that my life follows me around wherever I go.  For some reason some parts of life are supposed to be more your life than others?  Back at school I am getting back into the swing of things, more or less.  I definitely feel like a different person and not just as a result of being abroad.  Just as I was leaving Europe (I was last in Prague, Vienna, and the Swiss Alps) I had an identity crisis.  A pretty big one, given the scheme of my fairly stable life.  I worried that what I was doing wouldn't make me happy.  I worried that my interest in international human rights and advocating for certain forms of transitional justice wasn't as pure or good as I wanted it to be.  I had this idealized notion that my life's work and my career would involve doing good.  That doesn't seem too hard for anyone to accomplish but I began to think of the limitations of certain work, especially that in the international sphere.  I began to realize that any job I had working as a pro-bono international human rights lawyer for African victims wouldn't be completely free of Western biases or neo-colonialism.  I don't want to perpetuate "White Guilt", nor do I want to continue a regime of thinking that it is the West's responsibility to help Africans out of their "misery".  I want to help, be as active and responsible as I can without damaging the lives of people. As I was walking the streets of Zurich with my dad one night I brought up this issue.  I asked him, is it possible to have the perfect job?  The job where you are happy, successful, and doing important work while at the same time not compromising others, using others for your own benefit, or hurting or overreaching in responsibility?  His response  "no job is perfect."  I realized after walking around for an hour under the lights of Zurich on December 26th that I can't ask for all of this from a job, a career, or life in general.  I have to accept whatever opportunities I choose and understand that certain accommodations have to be made and not all issues can be resolved.  I realized though that the most important thing in my life that I can ask for and that I can ensure is being happy. I want to be happy.  I don't need to be ecstatic everyday. I don't need to smile from ear to ear every moment. But I want to be happy with the life I lead.  My crisis came at wondering whether my dreams and aspirations I've had since I was in high school, of working with international human rights, would make me happy.  Absolutely happy.  Could something else make me happier?  Was I settling for my idealized notion of what I expected myself to be?  Could there be something out there that I was more suited for in this life?

Coming back to the United States and coming back "home" I was forced to face reality. Academia in particular struck me pretty hard.  It felt like whiplash as I was home in Vermont for six days before I rushed to Philadelphia to take up my two classes at the University of Pennsylvania   Immediately I had placed myself in two courses on Africa.  One a graduate class on African Political Economy.  But was this where I was supposed to be?  How was I supposed to know? And how was I supposed to figure it out?  I had no idea.  It was the worst feeling.  I'm one of those people that likes to know what's ahead.  I like to have a mental map in my head of everything in the future. Thinking that I wanted to be x or z I knew the steps I would take to achieve x and z.  But the limbo of not knowing what my life might look like after Bryn Mawr was scary.  It wasn't comfortable but I wasn't about to change my major and spend another year at school fulfilling requirements.  I knew I'd figure it out and meanwhile I'd graduate with a B.A in Political Science and French.  But I still kept asking myself, what if this isn't what I want?  What if this doesn't make me happy?  What do I do now?  And will I know if I'm ever completely happy?

After many moments in my own head over analyzing my thoughts and talking with family and friends I realized that it didn't matter if I was doing what it is I wanted to do.  That unknown would figure itself out eventually.  When I was in France for seven months I learned a lot about patience and the ways to deal with the unknowns, especially when they might be thousands of miles across the globe.  There were only certain things I could do to understand those uncertainties.  I decided that this knowledge could easily be applied to my life back in the United States.  It could also be potentially beneficial given my current situation. I could graduate with this degree and then what?  Who knows?  I have at least a year to figure out and the only one pressuring me to decide (besides societal norms) was me.  I began to realize that this anxiety and unknown factor in my life was actually really good for me. I had been so headstrong and determined to do x, y, or z that I had missed out on other parts of my life.  There were the things that I now realized I enjoyed in France. I loved farming in Normandy even though I wasn't studying and focusing directly on issues of international human rights violations in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  Instead I was weeding and cultivating the leeks so that by the fall and winter there would be enough food for the pigs.  And when I was living in Paris I had the opportunity to speak French to strangers, run to the Eiffel Tower in the mornings and bask in the complete frenchness of Paris.  These were things that while I was in France didn't always please me.  But I realize that while I may have been lonely for certain things from the United States while I was abroad, I now yearn for parts of my life in France.  My life wasn't any easier, and in many ways it was made more difficult by the obstacles I had to face on different levels, but it was different, exciting, and completely enthralling.

After my slight identity crisis (that's how I categorize it now) I realize that I am in many ways the same person I was before I left for France.  I still loving the Rolling Stones, funky jazz music, really good lettuce, and studying about African Politics.  But I also know now that I love being independent.  I love learning new things and meeting new people. I like the uncertainty.  It may drive me crazy at times but it has made me a stronger, wiser, and a more attuned person.  The uncertainties in my life may be unclear and anxiety provoking, but now they make me happy.  The opportunities are limitless and I'm keeping an open mind.